How Stupid Do you think we are? (Plus: Seduce on a Budget!)

This has got to be one of the stupidest ad campaigns I have ever seen.

And where am I seeing it? All over Slate magazine, for the last two weeks. The ad with the rose petals keeps catching my eye, because it is so stupidly cliché that I couldn't help thinking it must be a joke. Please do yourself a favor and watch the slide show, which advocates such "budget" travel "romance" tips as "Cover the light with a scarf" or "Bring a split of champagne!" You think? Alcohol and mood lighting really works??

Fellas, face it – if you're attempting seduction, don't be taking her to the Motel 6 with cologne sprayed on the lightbulbs and scarves hanging off the lamps. (Have you noticed that the budget motels don't have bathtubs, or the ones they do have are really tiny? Good luck having a two-fer bath in those tubs!) If I walked with a fella into a room like that, I would turn around and run the other way, assuming that there was a saw or some other kind of woman-cutting device hidden in the bathroom.

The best budget seduction by far is to clean your stankass single boy apartment and invite her over for a late-night drink. (Because you can't afford a nice dinner, right? No need for dinner!) First, invest in a bottle of Fantastic and use it on all hard surfaces in your apartment (ALL of them, floors, doorknobs, fridge, tub, sink…), wash all of your dirty laundry (change those sheets! No woman wants to get with you in some nappy old dirty sheets!), and remove all garbage from your apartment. Leave the windows open for about two hours the same day to let that musty man-smell air out.

Then pick up a good but cheap bottle of wine (lots and lots of great options for $5-$10 a bottle; when you invite her, asks if she prefers red or white wine), some olives off the grocery store olive bar, and a small chunk of decent cheese or two. Hummus and some nice sesame crackers are cheap too, and then you can appear clean, sophisticated, and tasteful. Before she arrives, leave the lights on but light a few candles – like three or four – around the room where you plan to serve the wine. Stick with one not-overpowering scent, or get scentless "emergency" candles from Wal-Mart; nothing makes you gag more than walking into a place full of competing smells from a hodge podge of strongly scented candles! Put on a little music, but nothing "obvious" like Marvin Gaye. You will find that originality is sexy. If that's too much of a strain, look up the soundtrack to some chick flicks on amazon.com and grab a few of the sexy-sounding songs from there. Chance are, you'll hit one that she's seen and liked. When she gets tipsy from your cheap wine, invite her into your clean, fresh-smelling bed. Voila! A budget conquest that makes you look like a sophisticated stud.