Not a girl with Rules

Fah linked to an interesting article about the male-female divide, and says that she agrees with its conclusions – her husband ought to be able (to some degree) to read her mind.

I couldn't disagree more.

The article gives an example of women expecting men to interpret their "hidden" meaning:

For example…Alex and Alicia were in the throes of foreplay, and when he started heading south, she said, "No, don't do that." He thought, Okay, she's feeling a little self-conscious, isn't in the mood for that, whatever. It wasn't until later, when she was acting pouty, that he finally got it out of her that she was in the mood for it — she just wanted to make sure he was, too. In fact, she wanted him to be so desperate to go down on her that he'd beg her to let him. But she didn't want to have to say so.

Oh. My. GOD. For the last forty years, men have had it beaten into their heads that "No means no" – that when a woman says no, they are supposed to stop no matter what – no matter if she seemed into it, no matter if he's done it a million times before, if she says no, you must stop. And now we're back to this? She wants him to go down but doesn't want to have to ask for it – what kind of game is that? He was ON HIS WAY. If he didn't want to, he wouldn't have initiated it. And she didn't have to ask him to go, he was going! She stopped him! Why must we play these ridiculous head games?

I have spent my entire adult life trying to get men to believe that I mean what I say, when I say it. I don't like to play games. It's one thing to "hint" about a gift you'd like or to try and find a polite way to tell you we hate your underwear. It's entirely different to tell you one thing and mean the opposite. You know what that is? It's women buying in to the stupid stereotype that if they know what they want and ask for it, they will be seen as too aggressive and unfeminine and not attractive. That's the only explanation I can think of, other than sheer embarrassment about and discomfort with sex in general, for not being honest about your sexual desires with your LIFE LONG PARTNER.

The difference between the two types of expectations is expecting one's partner to pay thoughtful attention to your personality, likes, and dislikes; versus expecting your partner to know exactly how you feel at any given time without having to say it. The first is perfectly okay, and men should be able to figure out nice gifts by paying thoughtful attention to their partners, the same way women do. The other is NOT okay – not just because it involves sex, but because it involves telling someone something and then getting mad when they take you seriously. How can you ever build trust if he's always wondering whether you're going to get mad at him for seemingly no reason? I don't want to be anyone's "project" or homework assignment; I don't want there to be "rote rules" in how to deal with me. Am I the one being unreasonable?

Of course, this could be one of those theory/practice divides, as in, when you're involved in a serious, long-term relationship (something I haven't truly done), you come to expect that after that long time, your boyfriend or husband ought to know you well enough to anticipate certain things or act in certain ways. Those things aren't so much person-specific as they are simple human communication and respect. For instance, you should expect that he listens to you when you talk. At the same time, you should choose your moments wisely. One woman in the article complained that her husband didn't hear anything she said when he was watching t.v. unless she paused the t.v. and made him look at her. Is that so wrong? Why not let him watch his shows without bothering him? I hate it when people talk to me while I'm watching a show. Unless it's dire, talk during the commercials, or after the program. If all he does is watch t.v., you've got bigger problems then whether he hears you talking.

I suspect that Fah's problem is more of the first type than the second; I've known her for a while and she's no shrinking violet when it comes to her opinions. So what's the solution for women - raised to be genteel and polite, to hint and guide rather than be blunt, when their socially retarded men can't take a hint - or even refuse to take you at your word? Sadly, I have no answer other than the old cliche: You can't live with em, can't live without em.